mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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