My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
smell my finger.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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