I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
