worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
