Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
