What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
