I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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