i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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