don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
