I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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