My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
