Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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