i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Randomize
