The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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