Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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