Your face is a jimmy john
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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