I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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