oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
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Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
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I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life