for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
