Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
How does one acquire holy water?