i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
