Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
