Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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