Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
