you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
