she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Damn victory sex feels great
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
