your room smells of hookers.
And success
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
