I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
