Who wears a wallet chain?!
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Randomize
