No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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