I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
