I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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