I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
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You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
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He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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