the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
