OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
