Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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