I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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