ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
