So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
