I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Randomize
