Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
