im drinking this country out of the recession.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
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