We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
