Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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