I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
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Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
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Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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