Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
