It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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