I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
