She is in my trunk
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
