i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
