I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
