she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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