perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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