It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
