Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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