I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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