Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
