all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
