there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
