my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
