batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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